baptize yourself in damnation
by Raegarch
Summary: Felipe Garzonas is dead. The question becomes how did he fall. Does he trip or is he pushed? Fortunate accident or righteous murder? A man has died or a man is killed? There's only one man-boy-hero-killer who knows which is right, which is wrong. And he certainly isn't telling. Everyone who knows about Garzonas and Jason Todd has their own interpretation.


Felipe Garzonas is dead. The question becomes how did he fall. Does he trip or is he pushed? Fortunate accident or righteous murder? A man has died or a man is killed? There's only one man-boy-hero-killer who knows which is right, which is wrong. And he certainly isn't telling. Did he trip or was he pushed?

In the case of the former: Jason is bitter. Because he does the "right" thing, the thing that falls in line with the good soldier's marching orders, and he is punished for it. The man falls anyway. The man dies anyway. Jason is blamed anyway. He goes to Ethiopia to find someone who trusts him. He wakes up hating.

In the case of the latter: Jason is angry. Because he does the "wrong" thing, the thing that ends in a soul stained and a soul extinguished, and the world is better for it. The monster is thrown. The creature is falling. The man is dead. He goes to Ethiopia to find out who had tossed him aside. He wakes up resolved.

Everyone who knows about Felipe Garzonas and Jason Todd has their own interpretation.

First: Nightwing. Resentment is easy, at first. Brotherhood is hard, at first. Dick Grayson grows up, because nobody stays a child forever. The real world is certainly no neverland. No more need for childhood nicknames from loving mothers.

(that doesn't give anyone the right to give it to someone else without his say-so)

He comes home, storms inside, because there is someone else parading around in his name, in his colors, someone he has never even met. He is angry, he is raw, he is bitter. He sees this bright and bitter little street rat with the crass mouth and the hating eyes, and he says words he'll always regret, he can never take back.

_(he's too angry, too unkind, too vulgar. robin is supposed to be hope, not wrath, and that kid doesn't have hope in anything)_

At first, he feels vindication, snide "told-you-so" at the ready when he sees Bruce next. Jason is already a murderer to him, already a tainted being, because it makes him right, and he thinks that's the most important thing. Later, he'd like to say it only lasts a moment.

(it lasts weeks. weeks of radio silence, waiting for a call to tell him how absolutely correct he was about jason todd.)

By the time he finally takes his head out of his ass, Jason's already too caught up in _something_ (did he fall or was he pushed?) to lower his guard. Three months later, he attends a funeral he thinks he doesn't deserve to be anywhere near.

A month later, he gives his blessing to pass down his mantle with a smile.

Two years after that, a revenant comes back from the grave, bitter and hurt and ready for vengeance.

(dick grayson lacked faith. he promises to be better next time. he is better next time.)

Verdict: Garzonas fell.

Second: Red Robin. First came the idol, the Robin he always wanted to be. Next came the enemy, the fallen hero consumed by wrath. Tim Drake looks at Robin and thinks hero. Tim Drake looks at Robin and thinks god.

(they always say never meet your heroes. they can only ever let you down in the end. it's a lesson only jason can teach.)

He studies everything he can about his predecessors, studies to be the best Robin he can possibly be, and first there is Dick with his bright smile and hope. Dick who is the ideal. Dick who is always so supportive. Dick who is the big brother he's only ever dreamed of in childish imaginings. Dick who is blindingly bright. Jason is almost an afterthought.

_(so, he let his anger control him? yes. it got him killed. be better. i will.)_

Except (and with Jason there is always an except) Jason comes back. The first half is Jason the phantom. The second is Jason the ideologue. Jason who batters Tim in Titans Tower, not out of vengeance, but for a message. Jason with a duffel bag of severed heads. Jason who murders criminals, uncompromising, unwavering, dogmatic.

(here's the thing tim has that no one else, not dick, not barbara, not alfred, not bruce, not one of them has: perspective. he is colored only by stories, not by meeting, not at first.)

Because Tim has this, he sees what it seems nobody else does: Is Jason spiteful? Yes. Vindictive? Yes. Doing all this to hurt Bruce? No. Jason is not the vengeful child. He is what Jean-Paul Valley once was. He is the crusader. And maybe he always has been.

(maybe jason's robin was always just a way to act on ideals always kept close to his heart. maybe garzonas was just the first step because jason tried the other way and found it lacking when it comes to true evil.)

Verdict: Garzonas was pushed.

Third: Robin. Damian Wayne has no time to learn anything about his predecessors beyond their threat level. Father only needs him, now, after all. (Grayson: moderate. Todd: low. Drake: negligible. Brown: unimportant.)

And yet. He lives in the manor, his father's manor, and there is a ghost in the halls, even after Father has returned. He has taken his appropriate mantle, his first stepping stone towards becoming the next Batman. He is at Father's side. Grayson is an annoying but tolerable presence. Drake is staying well away, as is proper.

(and yet there is a ghost in the halls. he wears a red helmet, carries heavy guns with a loud-mouth's swagger and a braggart's jeers. he gleefully violates father's code. he is at best a nuisance and at worst a rabid dog.)

Their first encounter, Damian assumes he has won. Their first encounter, Damian realises he was allowed that illusion. Their first encounter, Damian refuses to repeat. (Todd: moderate.) So of course he researches, studies, learns, everything about Jason Peter Todd alias Red Hood status formerly deceased age twenty skills-

(and so he finds the case file for felipe garzonas. it is fascinating, in a way. damian is not the first robin to not have father's trust over his code.)

In the end, Damian's conclusion is simple. Todd is an infant, throwing a tantrum. Father didn't act exactly as Todd wanted him to, Todd wanted Father to treat him as the single most important thing in the world, Todd expected his death to be something world-shattering. Todd assumed he mattered more than he actually did.

Todd acted like death entitled him to more than what he was owed.

_(tt. so todd really is nothing more than a squalling child. pathetic.)_

And above all: infantile as he was and still is, Todd would never disobey Father, for fear of losing everything.

(damian scoffs and refuses to admit that he ever gave todd nearly as much thought as he did, and continues on as he always has.)

Verdict: Garzonas fell.

Fourth: Oracle. When it comes down to it, for all her genius, Barbara Gordon is not perfect. She makes mistakes, miscalculations, and most importantly, misjudgements. And for all her genius, when she is Batgirl, she is still young, and more prone to all of the above. Enter: Jason Todd, the successor.

(enter: jason todd, scuffed and dirty where dick was golden and shining. according to one train of thought, a downgrade. barbara follows this train of thought.)

_(you will never be dick grayson.)_

(she's right. it's not an insult.)

She sees Jason and thinks she knows everything she needs to. Reckless, angry, boisterous, crass, all the things that make for a poor sidekick, a poor Robin. Jason fights with a grin like a snarl, fights with absolute brutality, fights like he'll beat the hell out of his own demons by doing it. He fights like the fight is everything he is, everything he'll ever be.

(he fights like inevitability. like he already knows where he'll end, and he'll just drag every scumbag he can find down with him. he fights like a walking talking breathing deathwish.)

Felipe Garzonas is dead just before Barbara Gordon is shot. Before Joker, she thinks she knows exactly what happened: Garzonas taunted Jason, and Jason let his temper get the better of him. She sees it as an accident, a death that occured without thought. She sees his silence as guilt.

After Joker, she thinks she knows exactly what happened: Jason saw that poor girl hanging from the ceiling, someone so terrified of a repeat of her suffering that death seemed to be the better option, and he let his temper get the better of him. She sees it as intention, as vengeance. She sees his silence as fury.

(vengeance is just justice that's personal. barbara would know, considering the savage thrill she feels at seeing joker with his teeth kicked in, every. single. time. jason avenges because he empathizes.)

When it comes down to it, Jason's always been angry at the world. When it comes down to it, Jason's always been looking for a way to make the world better. When it comes down to it, the Red Hood is vengeful because once upon a time he knew a Garzonas just like that girl did. When it comes down to it, he decided that death really was the better option.

Verdict: Garzonas was pushed.

Fifth: Arsenal. Roy Harper: the sidekick. Roy Harper: the addict. Roy Harper: the alone. Roy Harper: the best friend. He's been all these things and more, but more than anything else he's always been Roy Harper: the archer.

Roy has archer's eyes, sniper's eyes, hawk's eyes. Roy sees more than anyone else in the room, and he's damn proud of it. So of course when he looks at Jason, he sees more than anyone else in the room.

(roy never met jason as speedy. by that point, he was already spiralling downdowndown, already such a disappointment that oliver kept him well clear of any meetings, league or otherwise. but he thinks his conclusions would stay the same, just a little less kind.)

Here is what Roy sees in Jason: rage and grief and hate and bitterness and kindness and _vengeancevengeancevengeance_, crashing together like a battlefield, like a hail of gunfire and bullets.

And yeah, almost anyone could see rage and bitterness, and maybe a few could see the hatred and vengeance, but the kindness? the grief? Those slip by, because by now Jason is only one thing to the community at large.

(he is the cautionary tale: look at the poor little street rat who thought he could play with the rich and powerful, look at stupid little icarus who thought he belonged in the sky, look at this phantom called up from hell, who really should have just stayed dead.)

But Roy has archer's eyes. Roy sees more than most. So one day when Jason went out alone to get drunk off his ass, the day Garzonas died, he gets to hear the whole story. Well, most of it.

(of course, despite everything, jason todd seems bound and determined to take the truth of felipe garzonas down with him to his grave _(again)_, so not even roy gets to know exactly what happened. still, he has a good guess.)

And suddenly, Jason Todd makes a lot more sense. Jason said it once, long ago, and Roy is only really getting it for the first time.

_(let the punishment fit the crime, huh? some people belong in hell, harper. i'm just giving them an express ticket.)_

He said it with conviction. He said it like it colored every aspect of himself. He said it like a mantra, keeping him sane, keeping him moving, keeping him alive. He said it like everything he was could be summed up in six words.

In the end Jason never changes.

Verdict: Garzonas was pushed.

Sixth: Batman. For Bruce Wayne, the day he met Jason Todd is the second most traumatic thing that happened to him in Crime Alley. Little spitfire brat of a kid, sees the Batmobile, of all things, and thinks: _bet i can steal those tires._ Gets caught, and thinks: _bet i can hit him with the tire iron and get away._ Gets sent to a corrupt orphanage doubling as a school for criminals, and thinks: _bet i can bring this whole damn racket crashing down._

Ends up adopted by Bruce Wayne, and thinks: _bet i can raise more hell than dickiebird and babs combined._

(it's funny. every time jason todd thinks of doing something, he manages to do it. jason is a force of nature, even as a kid. especially as a kid.)

Jason is a breath of fresh air in the manor, in the wake of the screaming matches and tense silences before Dick leaves. He is loud and suspicious, angry and withdrawn. But even still, he is a kind boy at heart. He helps Alfred in the kitchen with gusto and laughter, he holes himself up in the library and doesn't come out for anything but food, he debates Shakespeare with Bruce with an understanding that would make high-schoolers and college kids alike weep.

Then it all goes to hell.

(then there is a new robin. and maybe, just maybe, it was always a mistake to give him that mantle. maybe rage can only beget more rage, in the end.)

_(this doesn't change anything.)_

_(this doesn't change anything,_ he says, as if it's anything more than self-deception.)

(he holds his son in his arms, bloody and torn and burned. he holds his son in his arms, carefully tucking him into bed. he holds his son in his arms, setting him on a table. he holds his son in his arms, and his son is the second most traumatic thing that happened to him.)

Felipe Garzonas is a monstrous man. Unmistakeable. He is no Joker, but then again, Bruce isn't fully convinced Joker is even human at this point. Felipe Garzonas has left a trail of victims in his wake, each scarred irrevocably, and they can't even get the justice they need to move forward.

Felipe Garzonas has diplomatic immunity. He is effectively untouchable.

(ends up facing one of the most despicable people he's ever known, and thinks: _bet i can put the fear of fucking god into him.)_

In the immediate aftermath, all Bruce can see is this: Jason shrugs. Jason is silent.

_(what happened? ...guess he fell. did he fall...or was he pushed? silence follows.)_

And suddenly, all Bruce can see is this: Jason, shattering a man's collarbone. Jason, always so violent, always so angry. Jason, who can never separate himself and his judgements from the case. Jason, who always sees himself in the victims.

(and this is how he loses his son, he thinks. one moment of batman's suspicion overriding everything else, and this is how he loses his son. he sees the silence as offense.)

In the moment, he sees that silence as confession. In the moment, he sees that silence as guilt. In the moment, he wonders if maybe Dick and Barbara were right all along. In the moment, he cannot help but imagine Jason, all grown up and stained red with bloodbloodblood, a boy-become-killer.

(later, he will think: if i had trusted him more, loved him more, would he still be here?)

(later, he will think: is red hood destiny or choice? did he become the killer because he was always going to, or because everyone expected him to?)

(is it his fault?)

_(this doesn't change anything._ it doesn't mean what he thinks it means at that moment. jason is still his son. jason is still robin, even if only in the tiniest, darkest portion of his heart. jason is still the force of nature. jason is still the second most traumatic thing that happened to bruce in crime alley.)

Bruce Wayne, beyond anything and everything else, is a father. He lets his fear rule him, for a time, fear for the future of his son. He lets his fear rule him after, fear for the future of his sons. He lets his fear rule him. But never his suspicion.

Never again.

Verdict: Garzonas fell.

Seventh: Red Hood.

Did he fall or was he pushed?

In the case of the former: an accident, a man just tripping over, and suddenly the world is a better place. Suddenly the victims can rest easily, suddenly there are no more victims at all. And yet: the boy is still blamed, because blood always outs, right? Spawn of monster becomes monster, dirty blood makes a dirty soul. Jason is a young Willis, a young Catherine, right?

(a young sheila, but tell him that and he'll break your jaw, and maybe put a bullet in your knee.)

Blood always outs. And Jason wakes up hating.

He is bitter, he is wrathful, he is vengeful, and he will become better than Batman could ever be. A permanent solution.

In the case of the latter: a murder, an action that takes seconds, and suddenly the world is a better place. Suddenly the victims have vengeance. Suddenly a monster's soul has been extinguished, and a boy's soul is stained. And yet: there is guilt, yes, but not for the reason Bruce would want. There is guilt that he didn't do this sooner, to others.

(genesis of the red hood, like lazarus singing the word of christ even before his resurrection.)

The boy's soul is stained. And Jason wakes up resolved.

He is angry, he is wrathful, he is vengeful, and he will become exactly what Gotham needs. A permanent solution.

(ask jason anything about garzonas; get a sneer and a laugh, and a question in return.)

_(ha. why care? just one more monster gone from the world. just one more way the system, the batman, failed.)_

In the end, Jason never changes. In the end, Jason can only ever be himself. In the end, Jason is a killer now. In the end, does it really count for anything how early he started?

_(just one more dead man going to hell for what he's done.)_

Verdict: What the hell does it matter?


End file.
